A talk with God and a mother.

What makes a mother

I thought of you and closed my eyes and prayed to God today.

I asked what makes a mother and I know I heard him say

A mother has a baby this we know is true. But God, can

you be a mother when your baby's not with you? Yes, you

can he replied with confidence in his voice I give many women

babies when they leave is not their choice. 








Some I send for to fill the

lifetime and others for a day. And some I send to fill the

womb but there's no need to stay. I just don't understand this, God

I want my baby here he took a breath and cleared

his throat and then I saw a tear. I wish I could show 

you what your child is doing today. If you could see your

child smile with other children and say "we go on earth

and leave our lessons of love and life and fear. I miss my

mommy oh so much but I visit her each day. When she

goes to sleep on her pillow is where I lay. I stroke her hair

and kiss her cheek and whisper in her ear "mommy don't be

sad today I'm your baby and I'm here." So you see my

dear sweet one your children are ok your babies are

here in my home and this is where they'll stay.

They'll wait for you with me until your lesson is

through and on the day that you come home they'll

be at the gates for you. So now you see what makes a

mother it's the feeling in your heart. It's the love

you had so much of right from the very start!!

Graduate School

UTSA

I feel incredibly blessed for the opporunity I have to attend graduate school. On my first day of class I realized not everyone will have this type of educational experience and I get to have it. If things had gone the way I had envisioned for my life this would have not been on the list. I could of not dreamed this up. Living in San Antonio going downtown twice a week to pursue a Master Degree in counseling.

This is an important time in my life and I want to document every step. College has been a journey so it deserves to be apart of my adventures.

In a short amount of time it's happened so fast. God has graced me with his mercy all within two months I find myself with a syllabus that has me going "WOW" I'm really doing this.

The real reason I'm able to go on this adventure is because we don't have children. I'm sure if we had children and If I wanted to receive more education my husband would support me. Honestly, I would just want to be home raising children. I always thought one day I would share my journey of becoming a mother but I feel as though that journey hasn't ended so how am I to tell my story?

People ask us all the time "Do you want children?" I have to laugh. My husband tends to be protective of me and so he'll grab my hand and say "Yes, we do!" We are religious, how could we not? I have wanted children since we got married. We decided to wait and continue to build our friendship. Before our third wedding anniversary we decided it was time add children to our family. Not ready to go into the details maybe someday I will be brave enough to share all my life experiences to help others.

I recently discovered a blog of a woman of my faith who is documenting her journey of fertility treatments. She is my hero and is so couragesous. In February as we were preparing for another summer of Vivint Sales we discovered I was pregnant for the third time. We were so excited and really thought this one was a keeper. We went to the San Antonio Temple to give gratitude to God. I felt so happy and then the next day our world fell apart. It was such a gloomy winter day for San Antonio. We actually had ice and snow. The emergency room was so busy and ambulances kept coming. It was so cold that Al had to get me a blanket. I was in so much pain my legs and hands kept shaking. I'll never forget the gentleness and compassion my husband showed me. He gently pulled my head into his lap and massaged my forehead and hair. It allowed me to focus on something other than the pain. We were in the hospital for seven hours with no real answers. Just make an appointment with a doctor. It took me three weeks to get in to see a doctor. I didn't comprehend what she was telling me. So finally, I asked did I lose my baby? Her reply was Yes. I turned to my husband as he grabbed my hand. Tears started coming and I couldn't stop them. I kept repeating over and over to the doctor that I'm sorry. She just sat and looked at me until I could pull myself together.

We came home and I was numb. I barely survived our second mis carriage. The doctors had told me 1-2 mis carriages were normal but a third this is not normal. It has felt as though someone has cut out my heart put it in the garbage disposal and it's all in tiny pieces. I am thankful for my current doctor and that she wants to run different tests that I haven't had before. Unfortunely, they are expensive tests so we will be saving so that these tests can be run. I'm thankful for my husband who was willing to give up his job for this summer so we can stay in San Antonio together and figure out a plan. I am a little embarrassed because last summer I put my health first and felt so good about myself. I've been on survival runs and having my husband make frequent stops to the store for Coca-Cola, Dr. Pepper, and creme soda. He's allowed me to drink my sorrows. He would come home and see me with a soda in my hand with half a smile. I'm sure he thought oh good she's up and about. It's hard to explain what these type of trials does to a marriage. I'm starting to want my health back. So instead of soda I drink kool-aid. I'm slowly trying to incorporate water back in. The University does have a gym so I have a plan to start getting into a exercise routine once again.

Well I wrote the above a few months ago. I've written a couple postings on our journey but have never had the courage to post it. While on this journey to becoming a mother as I've allowed my self to open up other women have been able to tell me their journey. All of them are beautiful journeys. As we hold hands and cry together over babies that are not in our arms. I have often thought maybe my time has passed but then every thought in my heart tells me I can't give up. So all I can do is hope for miracles and that we will be lead in the right direction. Lately I've been thinking will I have a legacy? I often sit on my bed and shake of the thought of not having one. Who will I leave my cedar chest that my mother gave me who her mother gave to her? A tradition in our family to give the girls cedar chests when they turn 16. Maybe it's a silly thought but they are my thoughts. Then I have other moments that I'm ok with not having children and I'm happy with what life has given me. Mostly, I have sorrow when I look at my husband and my greatest wish is that he can be a father because he deserves for the opporunities that fatherhood gives to a man. Then he might say the same for me.

My first semester of graduate school is done. I turned in my last final today. I can hardly believe it, this summer has gone by so fast. I have learned so much and I am beginning to get back some confidience and believe in myself again. Trials have a tendency to depleat our tanks that were once full.

So what is next?

I have two weeks off.

On Saturday we going to the beach with our youth group from church. I love the beach and we haven't been for a full year.

In a couple weeks my husband tells me we are going to go do something just the two of us. I can't wait for another fun

                    adventure.