A talk with God and a mother.

What makes a mother

I thought of you and closed my eyes and prayed to God today.

I asked what makes a mother and I know I heard him say

A mother has a baby this we know is true. But God, can

you be a mother when your baby's not with you? Yes, you

can he replied with confidence in his voice I give many women

babies when they leave is not their choice. 








Some I send for to fill the

lifetime and others for a day. And some I send to fill the

womb but there's no need to stay. I just don't understand this, God

I want my baby here he took a breath and cleared

his throat and then I saw a tear. I wish I could show 

you what your child is doing today. If you could see your

child smile with other children and say "we go on earth

and leave our lessons of love and life and fear. I miss my

mommy oh so much but I visit her each day. When she

goes to sleep on her pillow is where I lay. I stroke her hair

and kiss her cheek and whisper in her ear "mommy don't be

sad today I'm your baby and I'm here." So you see my

dear sweet one your children are ok your babies are

here in my home and this is where they'll stay.

They'll wait for you with me until your lesson is

through and on the day that you come home they'll

be at the gates for you. So now you see what makes a

mother it's the feeling in your heart. It's the love

you had so much of right from the very start!!

Graduate School

UTSA

I feel incredibly blessed for the opporunity I have to attend graduate school. On my first day of class I realized not everyone will have this type of educational experience and I get to have it. If things had gone the way I had envisioned for my life this would have not been on the list. I could of not dreamed this up. Living in San Antonio going downtown twice a week to pursue a Master Degree in counseling.

This is an important time in my life and I want to document every step. College has been a journey so it deserves to be apart of my adventures.

In a short amount of time it's happened so fast. God has graced me with his mercy all within two months I find myself with a syllabus that has me going "WOW" I'm really doing this.

The real reason I'm able to go on this adventure is because we don't have children. I'm sure if we had children and If I wanted to receive more education my husband would support me. Honestly, I would just want to be home raising children. I always thought one day I would share my journey of becoming a mother but I feel as though that journey hasn't ended so how am I to tell my story?

People ask us all the time "Do you want children?" I have to laugh. My husband tends to be protective of me and so he'll grab my hand and say "Yes, we do!" We are religious, how could we not? I have wanted children since we got married. We decided to wait and continue to build our friendship. Before our third wedding anniversary we decided it was time add children to our family. Not ready to go into the details maybe someday I will be brave enough to share all my life experiences to help others.

I recently discovered a blog of a woman of my faith who is documenting her journey of fertility treatments. She is my hero and is so couragesous. In February as we were preparing for another summer of Vivint Sales we discovered I was pregnant for the third time. We were so excited and really thought this one was a keeper. We went to the San Antonio Temple to give gratitude to God. I felt so happy and then the next day our world fell apart. It was such a gloomy winter day for San Antonio. We actually had ice and snow. The emergency room was so busy and ambulances kept coming. It was so cold that Al had to get me a blanket. I was in so much pain my legs and hands kept shaking. I'll never forget the gentleness and compassion my husband showed me. He gently pulled my head into his lap and massaged my forehead and hair. It allowed me to focus on something other than the pain. We were in the hospital for seven hours with no real answers. Just make an appointment with a doctor. It took me three weeks to get in to see a doctor. I didn't comprehend what she was telling me. So finally, I asked did I lose my baby? Her reply was Yes. I turned to my husband as he grabbed my hand. Tears started coming and I couldn't stop them. I kept repeating over and over to the doctor that I'm sorry. She just sat and looked at me until I could pull myself together.

We came home and I was numb. I barely survived our second mis carriage. The doctors had told me 1-2 mis carriages were normal but a third this is not normal. It has felt as though someone has cut out my heart put it in the garbage disposal and it's all in tiny pieces. I am thankful for my current doctor and that she wants to run different tests that I haven't had before. Unfortunely, they are expensive tests so we will be saving so that these tests can be run. I'm thankful for my husband who was willing to give up his job for this summer so we can stay in San Antonio together and figure out a plan. I am a little embarrassed because last summer I put my health first and felt so good about myself. I've been on survival runs and having my husband make frequent stops to the store for Coca-Cola, Dr. Pepper, and creme soda. He's allowed me to drink my sorrows. He would come home and see me with a soda in my hand with half a smile. I'm sure he thought oh good she's up and about. It's hard to explain what these type of trials does to a marriage. I'm starting to want my health back. So instead of soda I drink kool-aid. I'm slowly trying to incorporate water back in. The University does have a gym so I have a plan to start getting into a exercise routine once again.

Well I wrote the above a few months ago. I've written a couple postings on our journey but have never had the courage to post it. While on this journey to becoming a mother as I've allowed my self to open up other women have been able to tell me their journey. All of them are beautiful journeys. As we hold hands and cry together over babies that are not in our arms. I have often thought maybe my time has passed but then every thought in my heart tells me I can't give up. So all I can do is hope for miracles and that we will be lead in the right direction. Lately I've been thinking will I have a legacy? I often sit on my bed and shake of the thought of not having one. Who will I leave my cedar chest that my mother gave me who her mother gave to her? A tradition in our family to give the girls cedar chests when they turn 16. Maybe it's a silly thought but they are my thoughts. Then I have other moments that I'm ok with not having children and I'm happy with what life has given me. Mostly, I have sorrow when I look at my husband and my greatest wish is that he can be a father because he deserves for the opporunities that fatherhood gives to a man. Then he might say the same for me.

My first semester of graduate school is done. I turned in my last final today. I can hardly believe it, this summer has gone by so fast. I have learned so much and I am beginning to get back some confidience and believe in myself again. Trials have a tendency to depleat our tanks that were once full.

So what is next?

I have two weeks off.

On Saturday we going to the beach with our youth group from church. I love the beach and we haven't been for a full year.

In a couple weeks my husband tells me we are going to go do something just the two of us. I can't wait for another fun

                    adventure.

Texas State Flower...

Blue Bonnets

Bluebonnets have been loved since man first trod the vast prairies of Texas.

Indians wove fascinating folk tales around them.

The early-day Spanish priests gathered the seeds and grew them around their missions.

This practice gave rise to the myth that the padres had brought the plant from Spain,

but this cannot be true since the two predominant species of bluebonnets are found

growing naturally only in Texas and at no other location in the world. 

As historian Jack Maguire so aptly wrote,

"It's not only the state flower but also a kind of floral trademark almost as well known to outsiders as cowboy boots and the Stetson hat."

He goes on to affirm that

"The bluebonnet is to Texas what the shamrock is to Ireland, the cherry blossom to Japan, the lily to France, the rose to England and the tulip to Holland." 

The ballad of our singing governor, the late W. Lee O'Daniel, goes,

"You may be on the plains or the mountains or down where the sea breezes blow, but bluebonnets are one of the prime factors that make the state the most beautiful land that we know.

This week I’ve discovered Blue Bonnets, not sure what took me so long. 

We are approaching our two year mark of being in Texas.

So naturally I started researching where I could find Blue Bonnets to see them for myself. 

San Antonio has it’s own website and people report where they’ve seen 

Blue Bonnets

But Blue Bonnets grow in the Spring time and don’t last very long. 

I didn’t want to miss out. I love flowers, especially a State Flower.

I discovered a plant farm in Fredricksburg, Texas which is 85 miles away. 

My husband laughed at me "I’m not driving two hours for you to see a flower."

I tried to bargain with him but we’ve always wanted to see the German town with yummy food our friends have raved about.

So Fredricksburg will have to wait but eventually we will go!

Today, my husband texted me a picture of Blue Bonnets from a customer house. 

Yes, I will have to plant some in the future.

When my husband came home he told me let’s go. I think I know where some Blue Bonnets are. So off we went.

As Al drove I noticed some in a field but we decided to keep driving. We found some pretty blue bonnets growing in a different field.

Al became the photographer and I became his model. Ha ha ha

            It feels like awhile since I've given an update on our lives in Texas. 

                                             It’s been a crazy few months. 

Al promised me 2014 would be our year but so far it’s had quite a few bumps.

Surprise's of happiness that turned into heartache and many tears.

I feel so blessed for my friends in my church who have helped me smile and have listened to me.

Mostly, my husband who has given a solid foundation.

So grateful for my wonderful grandparents and parents.

I love that my dad is never too busy and always answers the phone 

when I call. The sweetest words from my dad “It’s ok sweetheart”

We took a BIG step we went to a foster care meeting. 

We’ve always always talked about being foster parents.

We came home feeling a bit overwhelmed and one day we will be 

foster parents.

We feel like currently we just don’t have the right house to make it work.

I’ve been asked to serve as the 1^st counselor in our 

church Women’s Relief Society.

It came at just the right time and allowed me not to focus on me but to serve the women in our church.

It’s very new to me but I’m learning.

I applied for graduate school here in San Antonio which is a BIG step for me.

I’ve been accepted to a few schools but it was never the right timing or area to live.

I continue to apply for employment and doing my best to sell myself.

Which I’m not very good at but hoping the right career will find me.

Al is doing great as he continues to sell for his company Vivint.

In his spare time he’s been working on his car and where hoping soon we’ll have a second car once again.

Spring doesn’t last very long in San Antonio so

I’m excited for the summer and all the adventures that will come our way….

Just the Two of us, we can make it a Christmas if we try!

We started the first week of December watching

The Sound of Music and eating chocolate covered pretzels

with eggnog. 

This year we got a tree a bit late.

Not many tree lots in Texas

We went to one Wal-Mart that was selling Christmas trees

by the time we went the guy told us they were sold out.

Would we get a tree?

We decided to try another Wal-Mart.

We had rows and rows of trees to choose from.

A decent tree and the least expensive tree we've ever purposed.

This year I had Al put on the lights.

400...

Discovered a set of scandinavian ornaments that I couldn't resist.

So I saw many pictures of friends trees this year.

For the first time ever I started comparing my tree.

Seriously, what is wrong with me? Ha ha ha

I didn't put many bulbs on the tree this year 

but got a few extra ornaments at Kohls after Christmas sales.

Thank You mom for the Kohls cash.

 Our friends gave Al a great daily inspiration book.

In Utah a dear friend gave me one after I graduated

I love all the great quotes.

So Al has one to put in his study.

I love good books...

Is this really what I think it is?

I think at first he was confused, 

how did my mom guess we've been wanting one for years.

Ha, Ha I gave mom a few ideas.

Mmm, Saturday morning waffles can be in our future...

 

This last summer Al grandmother passed away.

She had been my pen pal for seven years.

We had tried to make plans to see her in March

but we weren't able to make it happen.

She was so healthy and had an accident.

It was very unexpected.

We both loved her very much.

I found some photos of them together.

We had our friends over for Al traditional stuffed french toast.

I love having wonderful friends over filling our home with laughter.

I miss them so much when they leave.

Some friends had us over for Christmas Day dinner second year in a row.

They requested my homemade cranberry sauce which was a hit once again.

I met a really nice lady that thought I was sixteen.

She couldn't believe it when I told her my actual age.

Really, you're not sixteen?

Ha, Ha. NO, NO but thank you.

She responded: "What do you use on your face?"

Me with a giggle. "Not much. I'm kind of lazy in that department."

My parents just gave me great European genes.

A big thank you to Al's parents and my dad who sent us cash for Christmas.

Thanks to my dad I finally have new curtains for our bedroom.

Life is good and we feel so blessed for having so much love in our life.

Boat Ride

When we first arrived to SA our Bishop from our church

told us he was a tour guide on the River walk.

My first thought "What a cool job"

He offered to take us for a free boat ride.

Not sure what we were waiting for

I guess we keep waiting for family to arrive

No one has arrived and so we keep missing out.

We won't be in San Antonio forever, it's a stop along the way

trying to figure out our traveling dreams.

We have dreams of being full-time travelers
This last year I've been following quite a few traveling blogs
It's been opening up so many new ideas to our dreams/goals for our family
Y travel blog: Craig quote
"Who cares what naysayers tell you and how they make you feel?
All that matters is that you are following your heart and caring
passionately about making a difference.

Our new years resolutions are putting a bit of a hault on traveling to Mexico.

It will happen...

Another quote from Y travel blog: Craig

"Winners never quit, and quitters never win"

So Al can go back to school in the fall.
I don't want my husband to have any regrets with not receiving a degree
even if he never uses it but hoping his degree will help us advance
further in our traveling ambitions.

Our goal is to get back to Guatemala

to pay our respects and good byes to 
Al grandmother that passed away this last summer

Also see our family that we miss dearly.

My friend called me and asked if I would be willing to help out on a youth caroling boat ride.

Doesn't that sound like fun?

My husband loves caroling and wanted to go too.

We had so much fun.

My husband told me every time you step on a boat you're so happy. It's TRUE...

I love a new adventure....

My friend son who I've grown attached to.

I'm his adopted Auntie...

We both pointed to the beautiful decorated Christmas lights

on the River and enjoyed the magic of Christmas

as people waved to us as we sang!

A big thank you to our Bishop who volunteered his time to create

a magical experience for the youth and adults.

Second Christmas in Texas...

I had all these big plans for preparing for Christmas.

Then our only working car brakes went out.

Honestly feel as though angels were looking out over us.

So grateful for our neighbor who took my husband to a shop

that takes apart parts. I'm sure my husband would explain

it better but to me it's that simple!

Also to friends who took my husband to church

and took me around to the post office and stores.

So grateful for those with kind hearts.

Finally after going to a few auto part stores we got the tools we

needed for my husband to repair the car.

My husband is awesome, repaired the car in time

to enjoy Christmas Day dinner with some friends.

So I saw this wood plaque and thought I could make one just like it.

Not sure what I was thinking but adds uniqueness Christmas decor to our home.

I had all these great plans of baking and wrapping, delivering to neighbors and loved ones.

It's Christmas Eve and I have pumpkin cookies baking in the over for our neighbors.

A few days ago a good friend picked me up and helped me deliver a few trays of cookies

to friends near me. I even still have a few Christmas cards that will go in the mailbox today.

I've come to terms with not being perfect and having weaknesses.

The good news is even after Christmas is come and gone

I can still follow Christ light and so kindness to others

as kindness was shown to us in our hour of need.

We did get to see some Christmas lights.

This year it was so cold, we were the only ones

walking the neighborhoods. Traffic was so backed

up that we didn't regret our choice!

Al, didn't tell me when to smile.

Guess whose behind me???

Christmas lights make me so happy!
I'm all bundled up...
Two shirts
Vest
Coat
Scarf
Hat

Some times we get a couple of cardinals in our backyard.

Recently we've seen woodpeckers.

Love birds!

My nephews and nieces would love this house!

This reminded me of my European heritage.

In the community they have this big tree

by a fire station with pictures with Santa.

This year we even got free hot chocolate with a cookie.

They also have movies playing for the kids.

MAGICAL...

It was fun to get out of the house and enjoy the spirit of Christmas. I've started babysitting for a lady occasionally so it was fun to take my husband out for our traditional Denny shakes and onion rings.